What an obituary is for

An obituary serves two purposes: it tells people that someone has died, and it tells them who that person was. The first part is simple. The second part is where the meaning lives.

The best obituaries do not try to capture an entire life. They capture something true about it — a quality, a passion, a way of being in the world that the people who knew them would recognize immediately.

Start with the essentials

Before anything else, an obituary includes the basic facts:

• Full name, including any nicknames that people knew them by.
• Date and place of birth, and date and place of death.
• Surviving family members — spouse, children, grandchildren, parents, siblings.
• Information about the service — when and where, and whether it is open to the public.
• Any preferred charity for memorial donations in lieu of flowers.

These details are the skeleton. Everything else is the life.

Telling the story

Once the essentials are in place, think about what made this person who they were. What did they care about? What did they spend their time doing? What did other people remember about them?

You do not need to list every job, every achievement, every milestone. Choose the details that feel true. A sentence about a garden they tended for thirty years says more than a list of job titles. A line about the way they made everyone feel welcome at their table says more than a list of organizations they belonged to.

It is all right to be specific

Specific details are what make an obituary feel real. "She was known for her lemon cake" is more vivid than "she was a wonderful cook." "He could fix anything with duct tape and patience" is more alive than "he was handy around the house."

If you are stuck, ask other people. Call a friend, a sibling, a coworker. Ask them what they remember. Their memories may surprise you, and those surprises often hold the best lines.

Keep it honest

An obituary is not a resume, and it does not need to be perfect. It is all right to mention struggles alongside joys — many people are remembered as much for what they overcame as for what they achieved. What matters is that the writing feels honest, not polished into something generic.

If the person had a sense of humor, let it show. If they were quiet and steady, write that. The goal is not to impress strangers. It is to help people who knew them — or who wish they had — understand who has been lost.

How long should it be?

As long as it needs to be and no longer. Some obituaries are three paragraphs. Some are a full page. Newspapers often charge by length, so consider your budget, but do not let cost pressure you into cutting something meaningful. If space is limited, put the full version online and a shorter version in print.

When you cannot find the words

If you are writing this in the days after a loss, you may find that the words will not come. That is normal. Step away and come back. Ask someone else to draft it. Or write it badly first and fix it later. The first version does not need to be good. It just needs to exist.