Why holidays are hard

Holidays amplify everything. Joy feels more joyful. Loneliness feels more lonely. And grief — grief feels heavier, because holidays are designed to be shared. The empty chair at the table, the missing voice in the chorus of "happy Thanksgiving," the absent hands opening gifts — these absences are felt more acutely on days that are meant for togetherness.

The anticipation of a holiday is often worse than the day itself. In the days leading up to it, you may find yourself dreading it, replaying memories of past holidays, or wondering how you will get through it. This is normal. The anticipation gives you time to worry; the day itself gives you something to do.

You do not have to do it the same way

One of the most important things to know about holidays after a loss is that you do not have to replicate the past. If the traditional way of celebrating feels too painful, change it. Have dinner at a restaurant instead of at home. Travel somewhere new. Spend the day with different people. Skip it entirely.

Some families worry that changing traditions dishonors the person who died. But the opposite is often true — adapting traditions to fit your current reality is a way of honoring the fact that things have changed. The person would not want you to force yourself through a painful version of a day that used to bring joy.

Include them in a new way

If you do gather, find a way to acknowledge the person who is not there. This does not need to be a grand gesture. A moment of silence before the meal. A toast in their honor. A favorite dish served alongside the rest of the food. A photo displayed prominently. These small acknowledgments tell everyone — including you — that the person is still part of the family, even in absence.

Some families create a new tradition specifically to remember the person. Lighting a candle. Sharing a favorite memory. Making a donation in their name. These traditions can become meaningful parts of future holidays, not just reminders of loss.

Talk about it before the day

If you are gathering with family, talk about the holiday in advance. Ask how people are feeling about it. Share your own feelings. Discuss whether there are things people want to do — or do not want to do — to mark the absence.

This conversation does not need to be heavy. A simple "I know this Christmas is going to feel different. Is there anything that would help?" opens the door. People may have different answers, and that is all right. The goal is not to agree on everything but to make the absence speakable rather than something everyone is pretending not to notice.

Give yourself permission to leave

If you are at a gathering and it becomes overwhelming, you are allowed to leave. You do not need to stay for the entire event. You do not need to explain. A brief "I need some air" or "I am going to head home" is enough. People who care about you will understand. People who do not understand are not the ones you need to explain to.

If you are hosting, give yourself permission to keep it simple. Order takeout instead of cooking. Use paper plates. Ask people to bring dishes. The holiday does not need to be perfect. It just needs to be survivable, and ideally, somewhere in it, a moment of genuine connection.

The letdown afterward

After a holiday, you may feel a wave of relief — or a wave of sadness. The buildup is over, the day has passed, and what remains is the reality that the person is still gone. This letdown is normal. It is the emotional equivalent of coming down from a height. Be gentle with yourself in the days that follow.

It gets different, not easier

The first holiday without someone is often the hardest, but subsequent holidays are not necessarily easy. Each year, the absence is felt differently. Some years, you may be surprised by how much you enjoyed the day. Other years, the grief may hit you unexpectedly. There is no trajectory — only the ongoing practice of living with loss while continuing to live.

You will get through it. Not perfectly, not painlessly, but you will. And when the day is over, you will have done something difficult and important: you will have faced it.